CUNGILERBABIROCKSIAL

I’ve recently made myself a company of new. Replacing the old with one of older, now ever refreshed, ever new. I’ve found myself a new muse. An inspiration not of words, but of actions instead.

I’m functioning again.

So here I am. Back to where I started. Lost as ever.

The Misadventures of Mr A & Baby. And a pool.

Although I may be only 16, I’m not an idiot. I admit, I know there is something really wrong with me, my mind seems to work differently than the average being. I’m anti-social, and obsess over my writing and artwork, my rather dark attitude. Although I am creative, and have a rather brilliant/intelligent mind, there is something wrong. I have what they call here as the two sided person Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I feel out of touch with people, if I’m sitting on the bench at the park I’d observe them like an animal, like I’m something entirely else. “People are pathetic… just prey… idiots”.

I think constantly, my thoughts never cease and can go on forever. I like when others feel fear. It scares me because I lack guilt, I lack emotion. I consider myself not human, completely different.

I appear fine around others, when left alone the other side of me emerges.

I tell lies and don’t realise I lied so much until later. I’m asking now if there is anything that could help me from doing something incredibly stupid in my future, because at times it feels like I could do anything, commit crimes and such. After a while I gain comfort… then eventually trust. I’m like a stray dog, when people get to close too early I snap. When I get trust my actions are over-affectionate, like excessive hugging/groping and I feel the need to be very physical whether it be to wrestle or just lay beside. But if that trust is lost or if I pick up some vibes I don’t like, I snap and feel the need to hit and mock.

- Anonymous.

Dear Guy,

Ask you a question:
How come me and you don’t really camwhore much?
Intelligent answer(s) please.

Muah!
Girl.

——————————————–

Dear Girl,

It never occurred to me. I guess there’s a lotta reasons:-

Corny - Because I have every moment of us burnt into my head, which makes camera an obsolete tool.

Bitter - Because I tried, but you hate smiling for the camera.

Romantic - Because I feel secretive about you and I don’t feel like sharing it with the rest of the world.

Denial - Because I feel guilty of how I feel about you, pictures will only turn that into reality.

Self preservation - Because a year from now, I don’t want to see how happy I made you and knowing that it wasn’t meant to last.

Guy.

Yesterday was almost the best Sunday I ever had. Definitely the most meaningful of recent memory.

Girl,

It wasn’t an odd moment. This is me and what I’ve decided to be.

No, I will never pull us apart as friends nor us as soulmates. Yes, you are a prying. Until you stop doing that, intentionally or not, I will keep myself guarded from such attempts. You are already part of my life, but you need to stop prying into my heart.

Let me tell you something about me. In my previous two relationships, my ex-girlfriends has never seen this side of me like you have. They were left by themselves going mad wondering how I feel or think for that matter. I am a closely guarded person. Yes, I bare my soul. Yes, I am an open book. But nobody I know so far has come close to understanding its language.

Not you. Not even me.

Here’s the thing, something strange happened when I met you. Putting aside our obvious chemistry and our twisted form of intimacy, understanding you somehow indirectly got me to understanding me. As if the words in my book were poured into yours and suddenly ever fucking thing starts to make sense. The experience was beautiful, at least to me. I felt human, I felt vulnerable, and I have never felt so fucking alive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that all of our questions have been answered. I’m merely stating the fact I know now that I want to take this journey to understanding life with you. Together. Indefinitely.

This is not a campaign to winning your heart nor it is to impress you.

This isn’t a bill of guarantee either. They say life is about taking risks. For once coming from someone who always plays it safe, this time around I think I found something worth fighting for.

It takes a lot for me to fall for someone. I mean really fall for someone. Maybe it was because you were from the very beginning, the unattainable. An unfortunate privilege which allowed me to love you from afar with all my heart, comforted by the fact that we could never be together. Now that the rules of the game has changed, this violent turbulence of emotion has suddenly been unleashed, rendering me helpless because I know not how to tame such a monster.

So I am pulling a stop to me.

There are no tears, no applause.
We are now entering The Intermission.

I do not want you until you come to me for real.
If you ever do, come hard. I will need a lot of convincing.

This is not a hateful letter.
This is a letter of hurt.

This is my love letter to you.

- Guy.

It just occurred to me that most times whenever I’d hear us laughing, we’d be in bed. It seems all so surreal right now, because I’m looking right at you here from my desk trying to will myself back to work. You’re so quiet and you look so happy. Surreal. Magic, almost. No matter what we do, most of our activities are usually within the four corners of our own bed. No wonder we never wanted to go out much. We’d be in bed watching tv, doing the nasty, rubbing noses, fights, conversations, or we would just laugh and laugh and laugh some more. Like clockwork, you’ll get tired and I end up watching you fall asleep as I would later get my ass off back to work across the room with a stupid smile on my face, with every few minutes cheating work and back to bed to hug you while you sleep only because it just feels so damn good.

*blank*

Have this crazy urge to talk. But I think we’ve been doing that a lil too
much this week. Sweet weekend, babe

Boo.

I’ve been reading all these love letters I wrote in the past. I feel like putting some of these up here because well, they reminded me what it was like to be in love.

“Perasaan itu adalah sesuatu yang seronok.”
-Faridah Zulkiflie

I think I’ve come a long way from the person I was many years ago. I found this one letter I wrote to you but never sent. One of many I wrote in secret just to get by everyday. These letters were my fresh bandages. It seemed at the time the only way to find peace in my sleep.

I’m okay now.
I want you to know that.
Happy birthday, Nasi Gorengku.

This was what I had to say 8 months past our dark October.

XXXX,

Its hard to love someone. As much as I try, I hurt them anyway when that was never my intention in the first place. At this point I don’t even dare meeting anybody new because that seems to be my pattern now. Hurting them. I know what its like to be heartbroken. And yet, that’s what I do. Whats wrong with me, sayang? You’ve left me broken, and I can’t seem to put the pieces back together. I can’t seem to love again. I am not the same person I was before. Better as a person maybe. But empty without you. Strange, its liberating to not worry about you anymore. You career. You health. Your family. Your car accidents. I’m doing well, really. Rebuilding my relationship with myself, making new friends, lovers, career, cats.

And yet, I feel empty inside.

Just when I feel like I’m ready for a relationship, I shut down and turn away. Its an unfamiliar part of this person I’ve become and trying to understand. Meanwhile, my confusion is at someone else’s expense. In that sense, I hate the new me.

I’m moving on. But I’ve never had closure with you. You’ve never told me how you really feel about me. Is HE just someone you need to get over me? Or is he really a better person than I? Either way, it doesn’t matter anymore. But somehow, I just need to know…

Just once, I wish you’d tell me you miss me. Just once, I need to know our 3 years together meant something to you. Just once, I wish you’d let your guard down.

I don’t even know what the hell I’m saying here.
Just ramblings, b.
That’s all this is I guess.

While another holds my hand, you hold my heart.

Yours,
Boo.